Old cripple punk button I found.

My aide and I a bit of a rough start this morning because it took me 30 minutes to get my printer to print a damn parking pass. Things settled and I was checking in with my therapist while we were on our way home and later were chatting and he goes "you know, I don't think you are a bad guy. You are overwhelmed!"

And while he def isn't the first person to say it, it was the first time someone who wasn't familiar with me to say it out loud. And damn, I felt seen. #disability

Trying to change the things that frustrate the hell out of me as a wheelchair user. First thing on the list is transportation. Metro access is a joke. I have been bitching about it for years. I've gone the route of complaints and emailing head of metro and the mayors office. Crickets. I'm gonna keep fighting this shit. I haven't touched my laptop in over a week, I've just felt so defeated I just can't find joy in anything. Music and my cat keep me afloat. I just don't wanna drown.

Sometimes silence says more than words ever could.

I just had to block someone for repeatedly telling me (and pressuring me) on Mastodon PM's (an unencrypted channel) what kind of actions to carry out in person. This is truly awful security culture and is not welcome in my circles.

Also note that trying to guilt someone into a specific, named underground direct action is a tactic a cop would use. Doesn't mean this person is a cop, only that cops have also been known to do this.

EVERYONE: Please be alert for similar tactics used both here and on corporate social media, never ever bite on the bait by discussing a prior or planned underground action!

Pretty sure they were expecting it, as they were not thrilled with him either. It takes a LOT for me to reach that point, but I am proud of myself for standing up for myself. I have help for a reason. So win.

I had to go pick up a med a few blocks away (DC blocks are fucking long. And the hills) I asked him for help pushing my chair. After a couple of minutes he starts to complain. So I took over and just pushed myself there and back. And paid for it the next day with horrific pain. I don't know how many times he said "god bless you" but it was a lot. And god bless me for throwing myself into a pain flare so he wouldn't have to help? Weird. But I called the agency and asked for him not to come back.

This is where the people taking advantage of me comes in. Hating confrontation doesn't help. On Wednesday I had an aide who was an hour and a half late with no phone call. I of course had my catheter change that day. Him being late and then my ride being an hour late, the day started on edge. I did the appointment solo because I am not comfortable with this dude seeing my bits. And him calling me she all morning did not help (way to confuse the public my man!).

In a time where my brain likes to feel like things will never get better, I am trying to look for wins, even if they seem tiny. I struggle to stand up for myself and ask for help. This plays a huuuuuuge part with my home health aides. I remember teachers telling my parents that I was sensitive and "easy to manipulate". Yea I'm sensitive, so what. I try to be as independent as I can and that can bite me in the ass.

Think covid is over? My mom in the hospital with both it and pneumonia would disagree. When it rains it pours. These last few days have been hell.

Overdraft fees are such a fucking scam. "Don't have money? Here is a charge that will make it harder for you to ever crawl out of debt!" I was 1 dollar overdrafted and they hit me with a $35 fee. I hate that people are dying over something totally made up. Money is man made. Lets go even further, borders are man made. The for profit healthcare system. Man made. Abolish it all!

Thinking about doing a zine, just so out of the loop not sure it would get read. I did one over 20 years ago that's apparently in the punk archives at the DC library. I wasn't in a good place at all at the time, though. Not even sure I wanna look at it. Haha

This #cat keeps me going. I am so grateful I adopted him. When I brought him home (he was in the shelter then did a stint in foster care) he hid behind the toilet for nearly two weeks, only coming out to eat and use the litter box. I would sit with him and little by little he would come out and let me pet him. Now he is a total cuddle bug and I don't know what I would do without him. All of the kitties I have taken care of are rescues and I wouldn't have it any other way.

In a nutshell I feel alone. I used to thrive on being different. Its harder now that who I thought were friends are gone. It keeps getting lonelier. I keep seeing people tell others online to go touch grass.

I wish I could.

This should have been a blog post.

But it would be nice to hang out with someone who isn't paid to be here. The people I knew who I thought were my friends are gone. They have moved on. Its not very fun when you have to plan around everything because one of you is in a wheelchair and shit isn't designed for people like that. Especially in a city where there is a grandfather law that if a building is built before a certain year they don't have to abide by ADA laws.

The failed knee replacement, the CRPS, the list goes on. I had a "friend" post on the faceshit that they don't want their life to revolve around their disability/being sick and they were going to take a trip with a new friend. They posted it after we hung out. My heart sank. I'm on immunosuppressant medication. I haven't traveled in years. My days are medical appointments. The people I see most are my home health aides, who I am beyond grateful for.

#2 the escalator I fell down was part of the metro system here in DC. I am poor, I don't/didn't have the money to hire a lawyer. A personal injury lawyer may have taken the case, but refer to #1. My body literally started to quit. My bladder died and now I have a lovely tube coming out of my stomach (don't stare, its not nice. Also I'm still self conscious!). I was diagnosed with 2 autoimmune diseases. I already had one, why not add a blood clotting one for funsies.

Its hard to stay positive when it feels you have been left behind. And reality its not just a feeling. I fell down an escalator on January 3rd, 2015. My life changed in an instant. "Why didn't you sue?" Is a question I get often. #1 I was in and out of the hospital for years. I stopped counting surgeries at number 35. You can't really sue something if you aren't home long enough to follow through.

I miss punk shows SO much. From non existent wheelchair accessibility to no masking or taking any precautions it feels like I'm never gonna see a show again.

Incoming rant: God I'm fucking frustrated.
Tube from the cheap ass catheter bag detached from the valve. Sitting minding my business and all the sudden my leg is wet. Put a new bag on as sanitary as I can. Now my stat lock is destroyed and covered in pee. Only get one of those a month. No clue how long it's been detached. Hope I don't get a stupid infection since I literally just got over one.

I just wanna scream..or pull this stupid thing out.