Like, I don't care about your nostalgia for Chatty Cathy dolls, Carol. Just let me vibe with my fellow whores.

Camel case is very important because I just came across a post with #whoremembers and I got excited because I thought it was #WhoreMembers until I realized it's just #WhoRemembers.

People may think I’m an idiot, but it's actually very challenging to intentionally misspell words for the sake of a dumb joke.

My inner monolog is a single turd that refuses to come out.

Embarrassed myself at the gym because I thought “skip leg day” was an exercise 🙈

The photo quality is terrible because I took this from a moving car, but I’m pretty sure I just witnessed the start of an Orwellian revolution.

Do you think they'll put the McDonald's flag at half mast when Trump dies?

In his defense, he's not like a fruit scientist or anything.

Uh, no thanks.

@KevBot Thanks for all of the nice messages, everyone!

Celebrating 15 years of being married to @KevBot!

The time has come.

A story in four parts:

Found my nerdy field notebook from Geology school!

Them: You're taller than I pictured.

Me: I know. Many people think I’m a foot long at most.

Whenever my husband is at the ATM, I like to stand next to him and act all jittery and say things like "Thanks, man. Just this one last time, promise!" just to make the other people in line feel uncomfortable.

We were walking home from a baseball game last night and stumbled upon this lovely group of people having a free movie night on the street.

I want to get good at baseball just so I can make them play Wet Ass Pussy every time I go up to bat.

I was the first person to apply and knew I'd qualify, so I was feeling good and celebrating at a Naughty by Nature concert in San Francisco with @friedoxygen when the girl who currently lived in the apartment called telling me that the person who came after me offered to buy her sofa and bed frame and that it was too good of an offer for her so she was going to choose him unless I'd by both instead.

I was just standing there taking the call in the bathroom like WTF scammy girl but I didn't have any time left to find an apartment so I just paid over $1,000 dumb extra dollars and locked in the apartment.

The sofa was a piece of garbage from IKEA that kept falling apart, but the bed was super nice and probably something I would have bought on my own, anyway, and I still have it to this day, so no regrets there!

I only had a weekend to find an apartment and was quickly learning that I was up against multiple applicants everywhere I went, so we ended up in this tiny studio overlooking Lake Merritt.

It was vintage AF with a rickety tiny elevator and without anything fancy like a dishwasher or washer/dryer and it was still $2,000/month which was a "good deal" at the time.