Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.

What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!

Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A: Because he was hungry.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.

Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

What I tell you three times is true.
-- Lewis Carroll

Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

Animal Fact #25: Most bobcats are not named bob.

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.

Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).

How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!

How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
-- Dylan Thomas

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
only nine lives.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

What happened last night can happen again.

What do I look like? A JOKE MACHINE!?

They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck. It quacked under the pressure.